Afghanistan Hit By Third Earthquake, Scientists Suspect Country Just Trying To Shake Taliban Off

KABUL — A third earthquake rattled Afghanistan this week, leading experts to conclude that even the country’s crust can no longer tolerate the Taliban.

“This is the only place on Earth where the tectonic plates have asked to be relocated,” said Dr. Franz Richter, nervously glancing at his seismograph as it tried to escape the lab. “At this point, the mountains are basically waving a white flag.”

Taliban officials attempted to spin the disaster as a divine show of support. “These earthquakes prove how solidly the ground stands behind us,” said one spokesperson, just before a nearby mud-brick building collapsed in protest.

Meanwhile, international aid groups scrambled to deliver supplies while competing for the coveted title of “World’s Smallest Budget.” “We’ve got about $100 and a half-empty box of Band-Aids,” said one relief worker. “We’ll start rebuilding after lunch, assuming we can afford lunch.”

Local residents said they’ve stopped counting tremors and started naming them like unwanted relatives. “This one’s Uncle Zahir,” said villager Muhammad Israel, digging his goat out of the rubble. “He always shows up, ruins everything, and leaves us broke.”

As scientists predict additional aftershocks, one weary Afghan remarked, “If the Taliban won’t leave, maybe the country itself will just break off and float to somewhere safer. Hopefully somewhere with Wi-Fi.”